Part 1
In the timeless film "Annie Hall," Woody Allen, one of my favourite directors, wrote down the following sentence.
“It was great seeing Annie again. I realised what a terrific person she was and how fun it was just knowing her. And I thought of that old joke, you know. The guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." and the doctor says, "well, why don't you turn him in?" and the guy says, "I would, but o need the eggs."
Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and, but, err, I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.”
While people recognize that relationships can be demanding and distressing, there remains an undeniable allure to the overall experience. The captivating nature of love proves challenging to resist, even when we logically understand it may stem from biological imperatives for reproduction. We are drawn to the profound sensations that love can offer.
From adolescence to adulthood, I've had my fair share of relationships. Although I'm currently not in a relationship, it doesn't stop me from sharing my views on this topic and the matter of finding a partner.
First of all, it's important to break free from fixed thinking, like saying, "I know what kind of person I want." Don't assume you know what you're looking for. Our crushes since childhood, both the ones we openly express and the ones we keep to ourselves, are actually quite random, similar to an untrained AI trying to predict which image is a cat. Is it this cluster of brownish pixels, or is it this thing with a curved tail that miaows? So, we need to keep trying and making mistakes to find that "right cat."
After an unsuccessful relationship, many people miss the opportunity to glean valuable insights. Rather than recognising that the problem might lie with their ex-partner, they opt to create a checklist of features A, B, C to avoid in their next relationship. This inflexible mindset can impede our ability to authentically connect with specific types of individuals who might resonate with us.
Therefore, as soon as you're biologically mature enough to date, make an effort to engage with others as much as possible. Safely explore your dating options and refine your criteria for a partner through trial and error. Statistically speaking, around 33 relationships should provide a diverse enough sample. Take note of those who excite you in conversation, evoke a sense of vitality, and make you feel heard. Additionally, be attuned to your body's reactions; your body often holds more wisdom than your mind, so be mindful of those sensations when interacting with others.
Secondly, in today's digital world, a great way for people to get to know you is by writing in public. The online world becomes a mix of different personalities, creating friendships and relationships that can go beyond borders and cultural boundaries. Sharing your thoughts online opens up avenues for connection based on common interests, experiences, and passions. It gives them a glimpse into your mind, making it easier to connect.
When you encounter the right person, it's important to be at ease discussing anything, including sharing moments of silence. Some people might initially be surprised or find your sudden openness and unconventional thoughts uninteresting, but those truly interested in you will listen to your confessions. This serves as an opportunity for them to gain a deeper understanding of you. If they can appreciate your way of thinking and your specific tastes and humor, that's even better. Through open sharing, both online and offline, you can effectively identify if someone is a good match for you or not.
Finally, it's advisable to limit discussions about your current dating partner with others. As Swedish poet Tomas Tranströmer once said, bringing a jellyfish to the surface makes its entire form disappear. When an unspeakable truth emerges from silence, it instantly loses vitality because truth is untranslatable; it must remain in the "the Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao" state.
When sharing thoughts about someone you fancy, you have to translate the abstract feeling of "liking" into a string of words. Some relationships neatly fit society's romantic ideals, like he/she playing the guitar, sending daily flowers, or planning thoughtful gestures such as surprising gifts. However, everyone's love needs take various forms, and not every relationship can be condensed into words understandable by others.
When attempting to depict your "extraordinary" dating partner to others, they may respond with confusion or even concern. What you perceive as endearing might seem peculiar to others. Humans are social animals easily swayed by others, and the lack of understanding from friends can often influence our choices.
Every individual is born unique, and your inherent nature and preferences are frequently overlooked by others, easily shaped by societal influences during your upbringing. After engaging in ample life experiences, you can sense your genuine way of behaving and your preferred expressions of love. While we may not be able to explain serendipity, we can use subjective agency to actively create it.
Here is my dating profile based on thorough self-reflection and insights gained from my dating experiences FYI :)
Part 2
It's often said that a fulfilling relationship is more rewarding than reading a hundred philosophy books. In intimate relationships, we inevitably discover aspects of ourselves that need healing, offering significant opportunities for personal growth. We hope our partner can accept and cherish these vulnerable parts of us, fostering mutual reliance to help heal the wounds incurred during our personal development.
Whether rooted in childhood trauma or past romantic challenges, we often unconsciously see our current partners as lifesavers. There's a common belief that our partners are obligated to solve all our problems. However, when our partners don't meet our expectations, causing a deviation from our envisioned path, it leads to profound pain. We may resort to arguments or consider a breakup, but the underlying issue persists. Changing partners won't resolve the problem unless we courageously confront it.
With ample self-awareness and self-love, you can be self-sufficient and share extra love with others, without relying on them to rescue you. Love entails acceptance and sharing, awakening through continuous practice.
Here is my user manual providing all the details about myself FYI :)
Part 3
I listened to Adele's album "30" in chronological order, following her journey from confusion, pain, and loneliness to her eventual rediscovery of self-worth and love.
Back in 2017, I attended Adele's live concert in Auckland, expecting an emotionally charged performance because I was going through a tough period of self-doubt and an existential crisis. However, I was pleasantly surprised. Adele, deeply in love with her partner at that time, not only delivered a heartwarming show but also uplifted my spirits with her healing smile, playful personality, and heartfelt vibes.
Unfortunately, as with all fairy tales, there comes a finale. Adele chose to part ways with her partner in the end. Nonetheless, all of these experiences contribute to a valuable life lesson, affirming that our journey holds meaning. After all, we've left traces in each other's lives, whether they be fleeting moments like a dragonfly's touch on water or vivid memories painted with bold strokes.
Both Adele and Taylor Swift often write about their romantic experiences in their songs. Similarly, the poems and stories I create mirror the influence of those I've loved or still hold affection for. Memories can be fuzzy, but words provide a more accurate way to capture them. Love serves as my creative wellspring, and I hope it never runs dry.
Part 4
An important lesson I've learned in love is, "Don't even think about changing the other person." Humans are flawed beings, and even fairy tales no longer depict perfect princesses and princes. Therefore, before entering an intimate relationship, consider whether you can accept everything about your partner, especially their flaws. Expecting change from yourself or your partner often leads to wasted time and energy and harms emotions.
Another key point is not to expect the other person to "understand" you. Clearly express your desires, openly discuss everything, particularly things that hurt you. If there's something in the relationship that bothers you, address it early. Otherwise, it might end up, as my favorite Scottish comedian Daniel Sloss says, a relationship breaking over buying the wrong brand of orange juice.
Part 5
A.
Psychologist Arthur Aron and his team conducted a study about the "36 Questions to Fall in Love," a study later featured in The New York Times article "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This." In the study, people answered a set of questions to deepen emotional bonds, followed by four minutes of continuous eye contact. The findings showed that this process helped participants form connections, and for some, it even led to feelings of love. This implies that sharing personal feelings and vulnerabilities can open doors to meaningful connections.
B.
According to bestselling author Mark Manson's dating advice, successful intimate relationships require:
Being together for the right reasons, avoiding age, societal pressure, the pursuit of social status, or being guided solely by hormones. It's crucial not to view the other person as a savior, expecting them to rescue you from loneliness or fill a psychological void.
Having rational expectations. While love can be influenced by hormones, it's essential to enjoy the sweetness without making unrealistic commitments and expectations.
Mutual respect. Communication is key, but it must be rooted in mutual respect. Without this foundation, breakdowns are inevitable. Respecting both your partner and yourself is essential.
Openly discussing everything, especially concerns. If something bothers you in the relationship, address it early to avoid potential conflicts. Maintaining an open and transparent attitude allows for the courage to reveal vulnerabilities.
Giving each other space. Allow room for personal growth and development. Avoid deliberately trying to change your partner, and accept that people undergo natural changes.
Learning to forgive. Everyone makes mistakes, so avoid being overly harsh. Developing the ability to forgive for errors that don't cross your bottom line is crucial.
C.
During a lecture in Lisbon, Psychologist Dr Jordan B Peterson emphasized that attention equates to love. Expressing care for your partner involves actively listening to them, allowing open and honest communication for both parties to share their key concerns.
Dr Peterson also advises treating the development of intimate relationships like a business. Allocate 90 minutes each week to discuss vital relationship matters, preventing conflicts from accumulating and potentially leading to divorce. Collaboratively plan and set goals with your partner, relying on plans rather than solely on emotions to sustain the relationship.
At the Q&A session, an introverted single man seeking advice on winning a girl's heart received a unique tip from the professor: "Men should learn to dance because it's the best foreplay."
D.
Esther Perel, a renowned global expert on relationships with more than 20 years of experience counseling troubled couples, advocates for the following strategies to sustain a long-lasting intimate relationship:
Clearly define the boundaries of the relationship.
Understand each other's expectations within the relationship.
Acknowledge that your partner is lent to you, not owned. Express gratitude for their efforts and cultivate a habit of appreciation in daily life.
Regularly engage in new and exciting activities together.
Recognise that every accusation conceals an unmet desire. Explore beyond the surface to understand and fulfil your partner's underlying expectations.
Acknowledge the uniqueness of each relationship, understanding that there's no universal truth to solve all problems. Recognise that intimate relationships are challenging, requiring effort from both parties.
Prioritise honest and transparent communication without crossing certain boundaries.
Regularly evaluate the relationship and make appropriate adjustments and changes each month.
Embrace change, as relationships are dynamic and not stagnant. Grow together.
Understand that choosing equals sacrifice. Take responsibility for the consequences of your choices.
P.S. Back to Asia doing many live-streaming sessions with my readers and listeners.
Hello Camellia Yang. Congratulations on a really remarkable Substack. (My site is only a few months old, I am retarded? - ha.) Here I started to read your personal philosophy page, and your "handbook". Wow. (I think you just changed some of these pages, that I find differently in these days?)
I am interested in the future.
Therefore I want to see/know how you, as a forward thinker, look to being a creator, both of your personal future, and for those around you. It is also my personal insight that the coming years will revolve around China, and what you, and all others think and do.
I could comment on your "Favorite Problems List", or Personal Values. The ones that I resonate with the most are:
✓Form an engaged community and empower others (and myself) to unleash our potential.
✓How can I better understand human behavior and motivation? (In other words, what will be the engaging part?)
✓Serve as a cultural exchange bridge between the East and West, exploring history and philosophy.
✓Gather a group of like-minded people to collaborate on cool projects together. (Not too like-minded though, otherwise nothing will happen. You need a motivating tension.) And since Substack is in ALL time zones, it is international, and based on writing.
____________
About this post on Love and Relationships! It is a huge family of topics. I really can't say what I think in a comment format.
One step below relationships is our automatic reactive nature, that we justify daily. (It is not nefarious though, because "justification" is one of the main natures of humanity). All relationships are continually bludgeoned by our unconscious operating systems. Everybody has one, or many of them.
I could agree with a ton of things you say. Like have some preferences, but basically just "let it happen". Why should yesterday's premises (always), control my tomorrow. Why do you need an out-dated formula to live life? Can you merely trust your ability to meet what comes to you? I think that learning to meet what-is, (on-the-fly) has been my main endeavor. (Of course we meet it anyway, but I mean meet with an unruffled positive demeanor.)
Writing in public; Oh my-god, so important. For me writing is essential. I only want to know authors and journalists, nobody else knows how to think things through.
Openness; But not just rehashing 2nd-hand stories, (Oh Yeah, Me too.) Somewhere you say openness in silence, just gazing, with nothing important coming up. Or if something comes up, you have already learned at this stage of life, how to set-it-down before it engages.
Use subjective agency to actively create serendipity; But don't try to out-think it. Like above, serendipity occurs when you just "let-it-happen". You have to recognize it when it happens though. Hey, it is knocking on the door right now between you and me. (I am going to let it in.)
I think there must be a billion love songs. How can we navigate in that jungle of "SOULD-BE'S"? Let's start discarding them by the boat-load.
You've done a lot of research on what wise people are saying. Surely you've done much more, that didn't make the cut for this article. I didn't follow those links, because somewhere I thought you said that we are each a unique individual. I didn't find that quickly. Maybe it was in another one of your writings.
Let's see what you say?
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WOW, these are amazing great insights.
Very funny in spots too, after reading this I imagined a visit to a shrink - never been or want to LOL).
And it felt like I am lying down on the couch, the 'shrink' with note pad and pencil who is behind me, not visible, is asking all these questions and making notes .. and I am thinking:
"oh my god" I hope the assessment is, that I am not weird or a special case that deserves more academic research .... LOL, HAHAHA.
I think overthinking can be adding to much spice to a dish, perhaps a balance is required as the heart has a language the mind does not understand.
Love ? - my experience of it is sort of like ( it sounds dumb, since it is non judgemental state)
creating for creating sake, like my guitar compositions that I love doing ( jazz/classical ) and not worrying about other people's opinions - in this way or process, state of mind, I have over 350 pieces, since COVID. I must be in love :). I also love the musical Mandarin language.
Very enjoyable writing, thank you.