Having spent four years living in Europe as a digital nomad, I returned to China in late 2022 and participated in four sessions of the Zen Buddhism course known as "弛放Relax and Release" under the guidance of Dharma teacher Faxin.
During the first session, I experienced some peculiar things. Sometimes, whilst in my sleep, I would feel someone tapping on my heart, and I would even see black shadows resembling rabbits or foxes flying before my eyes. Later, I sought guidance from the teacher, and he told me that if there is no demon within, we will not be disturbed by external demons.
Everything in the world is interconnected, and our attitude towards supernatural beings, whether it be joy or fear, should not trouble us. As long as we continue cultivating compassion in our practice, we can understand that ghosts and humans are no different. If we can perceive everything around us with an equal mindset, our fears and troubles will gradually diminish.
Recalling when I first started practising "Transcendental Meditation (TM)," in 2018, I would have nightmares every night. The meditation teacher at the time told me that this was a normal phenomenon because through meditation, my awareness was heightened, and many forgotten or repressed emotions surfaced. Freud once said that unexpressed emotions never die; they are only buried and will resurface in more hideous ways in the future.
In my twenties, I often had breakdowns without even realising it because I unconsciously suppressed my emotions, eventually leading to emotional outbursts. Through TM and Zen practice, I learned to bravely confront hidden thoughts and emotions. Although this process was painful, it was temporary. Once we possess awareness and no longer go with the flow, we become clearer about who we are and what we desire. Once we address the fundamental issues, the secondary problems resulting from unclear fundamental issues are also easily resolved.
During the second session of the course, it felt like a sudden awakening, as if the switch of my empathetic ability had been turned on, and I started shedding tears every day. I would cry when I saw my cousin petting a dirty stray cat, cry when I listened to my father talk about his unfulfilled ambitions, cry when I saw a photo of my young nephew eating candyfloss, and even cry when I looked at the faces of people, young and old, on the bus. Whoever came to mind, I felt they were going through something difficult, and I would cry...
At the time, I felt that the results of this practice were almost unbearable, considering that shedding tears every day would seriously affect my normal life and work. Fortunately, everything passes. After a period of practice and experience, I gradually began to understand and master the ability to empathise. I also learned how to maintain balance and clarity without being troubled by emotions. I realised that expressing feelings does not necessarily mean controlling them; only when we learn how to handle and regulate emotions can we truly unleash the power of empathy and help others, even ourselves.
Now, when I see someone or something needing help, I still feel a surge of emotions, but I have learned how to process and express these emotions and how to control my own feelings, enabling me to be more calm and more focused. I have also discovered that through empathy and attending to the needs of others, I have become more meaningful and fulfilled, as well as happier and more satisfied.
Additionally, empathy is one of the essential skills for a writer. It allows our works to be more touching, genuine, and relatable to readers' lives and emotions, thereby enhancing the literary value and reading experience of our works. The benefits of practice are indescribable and wondrous.
The biggest realisation from my third session is the reawakening of the social energy that was buried during the pandemic. While I enjoyed the benefits of solitude during that time, as someone who is highly attuned to the external environment and requires regular exchange of energy with people and things around me, the missing year still hasn't fully healed the impact it had on me.
Throughout those years, I relied on TM to help me adjust my mind and body. However, the very tool that brought me to my current state was no longer able to take me further. I struggled during a bottleneck period for a long time, and that's when the teacher appeared, just when I was ready—Dharma teacher Faxin and his course were the perfect fit for my current state. It made me aware of the unnoticed and buried tension in my body and mind and taught me how to truly relax and release energy.
During the Q&A session with the teacher, I described how I often woke up in the middle of the night startled by a beam of light, and I would frequently find myself in a semi-dreaming state. I initially thought this would affect the quality of my sleep, but the next day I would still have boundless energy. Teacher Faxin explained that this was a good sign, as his method can sometimes guide us into a state of deep relaxation, making our consciousness more sensitive and attuned to subtle feelings and experiences. Seeing the light was an expression of this relaxed state.
TM has taken me a long way, and now I rely on "弛放 Relax and Release" to accompany me further on my journey. It feels like everything is guiding me towards a state of relaxation, allowing energy to flow freely and unobstructed through my body and mind. No matter how advanced the meditation techniques or magical the courses may be, they are merely tools to facilitate a smoother path in my practice. Ultimately, it depends on my own realisation and understanding. It cannot be rushed or hurried; it requires steady progress, step by step. Remember, spiritual practice is a lifelong journey.
The latest session of the course has come to an end this month, I was asked about the major setbacks or challenges I've faced in my life, and I found myself at a loss for words. After pondering for a while, I couldn't identify any particularly significant difficulties. However, every time my life experiences are discussed with friends, they often react with statements like, "Wow, if that happened to me, I wouldn't be able to get through it," or "How is it possible to go through something like that without being affected?"
Now, reflecting on it, this may be related to my high tolerance for pain. Just as some people have a low threshold for laughter and find even the slightest things amusing, my sensitivity to physical and emotional pain seems to be higher than others. It feels like this is closely tied to the coherence function of my brain. Regardless of what I experience, my brain always manages to come up with a set of rational explanations that make me feel like it doesn't really matter.
But this is actually not a good thing.
According to Bessel van der Kolk's book "The Body Keeps the Score," after experiencing trauma, the human brain activates self-protective mechanisms to bury memories, refusing to discuss them or getting trapped in deep self-blame and shame. However, the body doesn't forget the trauma and manifests various symptoms as a reminder that we need to address those avoided issues.
That's why I used to have panic attacks frequently in the past, and need hypnosis or herbal intervention to disarm my rational thinking, delve into the subconscious, and uncover the messy things I've buried within. I was glad I could realise that under the guidance of this Zen Buddhism study and started to reflect on my own rather than relying on outside forces.
Another approach is to interact as much as possible with people from different backgrounds and identities. Certain traits in others can often evoke hidden emotions and behaviours within us. In interpersonal relationships, we can help each other become aware of blind spots and understand what triggers unknown and buried memories in our subconscious.
Humans are truly fragile and terrifying. Our conscious minds already keep us incredibly busy, but our subconscious holds deeper issues that need to be addressed. Let's be a little kinder to ourselves and to everyone else.
p.s. I have been promoted to the advanced course starting from the middle of the year. I will provide further updates on my progress and learnings upon completion.
Many readers ask me why I pick up Lisbon to settle down, here is my brief answer:
As a digital nomad, the concept of home has taken on a whole new meaning for me. It is no longer tied to a specific location but rather to the feeling of comfort, belonging, and convenience that a city provides. Among the various cities I have visited, Lisbon has captivated my heart and given me a sense of home, and here's why:
1. Convenient and Adequate Living Space: Wherever I go, I seek a place that offers convenience and a suitable living environment. Lisbon provides just that. Super glad I found a nice flat in a central location and a lovely flatmate to live with. 🏡🫶🏻
2. Gym within Walking Distance: Staying fit and maintaining an active lifestyle is important to me. Having a CrossFit gym within walking distance allows me to easily incorporate exercise into my daily routine, enhancing both my physical and mental well-being. 💪🏻🏋🏻♀️
3. Health-Conscious Dining Options and Serene Cafés: Lisbon boasts several health-conscious restaurants that offer nutritious meals, and there are also spacious and tranquil cafés where I can comfortably work on my writing projects. 🍽️🥢
4. Like-Minded Friends: Finding a community of like-minded individuals who share my interests is crucial. In Lisbon, I have been fortunate to meet a group of friends who not only engage in intellectual discussions about literature, history, and philosophy but are also up for a night of drinks and dancing till dawn. They have become my companions, making Lisbon feel like a true home. 👯♀️👯
5. Supportive City Infrastructure and Transportation: A city that supports my spontaneous nature and wanderlust are ideal. Lisbon's well-developed infrastructure and efficient transportation system allow me to explore the city freely and embark on spontaneous domestic or international adventures whenever I desire. 🚋✈️
6. The Sun, the Sun, the Sun: Last but not least, the glorious sunshine! Lisbon is blessed with abundant sunlight, bringing warmth, cheer, and a vibrant atmosphere to the city. The presence of the sun adds an extra touch of joy to my daily life, making me feel truly at home. ☀️🌅
Plus, my podcast guest Lauren Razavi wrote a great piece On Lisbon As This Century’s Paris. If you are ever around Lisbon, shoot me a message and let’s meet up IRL!
Unearthing Hidden Emotions through Zen Buddhism Study
Hi Camellia Yang,
I am Hua writing from Auckland New Zealand in the beginning of our winter here. Evangelia Papoutsaki <epapoutsaki@unitec.ac.nz>, a colleague and friend recommended you when I am looking for a Chinese woman to write a line or two to endorse my memoir (Baby Dragon and Me), a memoir of my life of 50-years on the planet and my son Wonder's life of 11-year-10-month on earth and in my heart, following his murder in Intimate partner Violence which left me in a 24-day coma in Sept 2002 in Auckland. After I came to from the coma where I travelled with Wonder in the spiritual realm while remotely sensed some of the physical environment I (my body) was in, I was led to a women's retreat to meet the woman who had spoken to me in one of the dreams I had prior to the attack and my healing started there and then.
Now twenty years later, I am having my memoir self-published.
From your sunny Lisbon, and your deep reflection on your processes with the course, I feel encouraged to write to you and check if you would endorse my memoir and speak about Chinese women's place in the scheme of things in collective Chinese culture.
I have appeared on NZ Television Sunday Story aired in April, 2019. Can send you the link to it if you are interested.
So this is an initial contact from me.
If you see this note and are so inclined to get in touch for further communication regarding my quest, please email me wonderhdai@gmail.com. I will be delighted to hear from you and follow up with the story link and excerpts from my memoir.
If you could write a line or two in Chinese or English to be printed on the cover as an endorsement, that would be appreciated. I have others Academic and from a journalist as well Bev who spoke to me in my dream and also supported me in my recovery and healing since I first met her in April 2003 will also write.
I hope domestic violence or women's social status in the scheme of things is of interest to you as well.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Hua