The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd – The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.
― Fernando Pessoa
When people ask me who I want to be, besides the cliche answer I want to be myself, Fernando Pessoa would be my choice.
Pessoa was a remarkable individual, wearing multiple hats as a writer, poet, translator, publisher, and philosopher. Imagine if he had an X account – his 80 different personas would likely attract the most followers, continuously sharing his extensive collection of over 25,000 manuscripts covering poetry, prose, philosophy, criticism, politics, and more, in English, French, and Portuguese.
Despite his limited travels in his short life, Pessoa created a multitude of characters who explored the universe in his stories. Notable among them were Alberto Caeiro, self-proclaimed as the greatest poet in the world; Alvaro de Campos, a bisexual writer reminiscent of Walt Whitman; and Ricardo Reis, a classicist and physician focused on themes of fate and destiny.
Moreover, his characters often interacted with each other, exchanging letters and critiques, with few realizing these personas were not real until after Pessoa's death. This anonymity allowed Pessoa the freedom to create and live comfortably without the burdens of fame.
Pessoa constantly delved into the depths of human existence through observation and reflection, transcending the boundaries of time and space. He refused to confine himself to a single identity, preferring instead to explore the vast possibilities of life.
While his contemporaries may not have understood why he created numerous identities, our generation better grasps his innovative use of pseudonyms. His thoughts and behaviours resonate today, especially in the face of censorship and cancel culture.
If I had to choose just one book for the rest of my life, it would be "The Book of Disquiet" by this Portuguese writer.
Those who knew Pessoa recall him as a delightful individual, full of charm and humour, yet deliberately keeping a distance from others to avoid excessive intimacy that might disrupt his daily routine. Some even commented that when they said goodbye to him, they dared not look back, fearing they might see him vanish into thin air.
Through observation and reflection, Pessoa continually examined human existence, with each creation being a process of shattering his past self and reshaping it anew. Like another writer I admire, Jorge Luis Borges, once said, there are two kinds of artists in the world: those who create by exploring themselves and observing the objective environment around them, and those who disregard the limitations of time and space, freeing themselves from the shackles of their bodies to create in the "void." Pessoa epitomized the latter.
In his brief life, Fernando Pessoa created over 80 distinct and diverse identities with different life backgrounds and personalities, publishing works under their names, only to be discovered after his death. Despite not extensively travelling the world, he created entire universes in his imagination.
He often felt like a remote, non-existent village on the edge of nowhere, a book review was never written. Living a life of obscurity, he preferred solitude over companionship, believing that only through this could he transform the "self" into countless "others" beyond ordinary human identities. Reading his works feels like seeing my own thoughts and feelings vividly depicted on paper, articulating things I couldn't put into words.
Pessoa once said,
Because I am nothing, I can imagine myself to be anything. If I were somebody, I wouldn’t be able to. An assistant book-keeper can imagine himself to be a Roman emperor; the King of England can’t do that, because the King of England has lost the ability in his dreams to be any other king than the one he is. His reality limits what he can feel.
The best way to achieve self-awareness is to spend more time in solitude, allowing your thoughts to mingle. This can spark a fresh sense of perception and consciousness, leading to a profound understanding of oneself and the interconnectedness of all things in the universe.
Before moving to Lisbon, I often imagined stepping into this city where Pessoa lived, walking its streets, and visiting the cafes he frequented, hoping to gain insight into the environment that inspired his creativity. While living in London during the pandemic, I had the opportunity to share Pessoa's work at a local book club where I expressed my determination to make Lisbon my first post-pandemic travel destination.
Finally, I fulfilled that promise and found myself in Lisbon, exploring the places where Pessoa left his mark. Visiting Casa Fernando Pessoa and seeing his library left me in awe. Besides the works of renowned authors like Shakespeare, Edgar Allan Poe, Walt Whitman, H.G. Wells, and ancient Greek poetry, he also amassed a vast collection of books on religion, philosophy, natural sciences, medicine, and technology. Among his over 1,300 books, his handwritten annotations and comments overflowed, enriching the pages with his personal insights and reflections.
Pessoa's legacy lives on through the diverse characters he created and the vast body of work he left behind. His ability to capture the complexity of human experience continues to inspire generations. As I write in my diary, I am reminded of Pessoa's own struggles with the fleeting nature of thoughts and ideas. Like him, I carry a notebook wherever I go, capturing moments of inspiration before they slip away.
And lastly, let me share a couple of poems written by Pessoa that I once read:
对不起
I meant to say inter-connectedness.
I also like the great idea of imagining yourself to be a different person/personality to write.
This has possibilities, I never considered before in my writing.
非常感谢
Hi Camellia
I have never heard of, or read anything by Fernando Pessoa.
Your reference though, is very serendipitous for me.
The disconnectedness of all things you said was recently mentioned in the book I was reading
by Brian Klaas, called: Fluke - why chance, chaos and why everything we do matters is the blurb.
(how could I not read this when I saw it at the bookshop LOL ).
After reading Fluke, it made see things in a different way. I could see the events in hindsight that I did not pay attention before, to be more meaningful. That is small things do make great impact - if not immediately, the motion has been set ...
Amazing your post resonates to what I just read. So how is this possible - you must be a psychic sage ?
I will now have to read Fernando Pessoa, and add it on top of my book pile collection (Tsundoku) that sit on bed lamp table LOL
Have a great day.